Kids really DO say the darndest things

Bill Cosby had the right idea .... I should have started my own television show. 

It would have worked out great. It would air weekly and I most likely wouldn't be in charge of making sure it happened. Clearly I fail at follow through with this blog. But alas, I am pretty sure I didn't even want to be a teacher when this show came out. Yet here I am. A teacher. With quotes from kids. Because kids really DO say the darndest things. Here are just a few gems from the past school year. Since we are already on a t.v. show inspired post, I shall present these delightful tidbits in a Letterman TOP 10 inspired fashion. 

10. I often tell my kids to knock of their shenanigans. It's a lot nicer than what I want to say sometimes. One day a kid was goofing off and before I could exclaim my annoyance another kid shouted on my behalf  "HEY - knock off your mannequins!"


9. On our way back from bathroom break, I over hear a kid say "My sh** smells great!" Well we don't use those words at school so I respond with a shocking "WHAT?!" The kid replies "My sh**." He grabs his shirt and smells it. "It smells great!" Between bouts of laughter I politely correct him "Your shirt smells great."

8. When spring break is around the corner, everyone gets a little antsy and some things that normal wouldn't bother me just do. After asking a certain student to stop talking multiple times I finally ask "Why do I still hear you talking?" Clearly he didn't get the point and tries to keep talking. I tell him that I don't want to hear him right now and that he will have to tell me later. Since I wasn't a listening ear and he was going to say something anyways he just shouts "Well I want to be a flying squirrel." The kid next to him chimes in with "OH! OH! I want to be a reticulated python." How do you respond to that? Well here's how I responded - "Great! Well guess what? Neither one of those talk - ready, go!" Needless to say it was a very quiet week before spring break. 

7. The difference between men and women from the eyes of a first grader. At this point in the year the weather was in transition so it was still a bit chilly in the morning but sweltering in the afternoon. After school I asked a student why he was still wearing his jacket and if he was hot?  And action -  Kid: "Yes but I don't mind sweating." Me: "Really? I don't like to sweat that much." Kid: Ms. D ... I'm a man and you're a woman. Men sweat a lot. That's how you know they are a man." And to think, I've been looking for other qualifiers this whole time. 

6. My kiddos had a word list packet that they had to read off to me in order to move on to the next list of words. When I had check off time, they would make a line to pass off their word list. One day (due to some unforeseen chaos) I wasn't able to get to very many of them. I informed them that I was done checking lists and it was time to clean up. A student who, as I like to imagine but I'm sure is not accurate, was so engrossed in his reading didn't notice the line before says, "That's a long line." Without hesitation a student sitting in the line jumps up and responds with "Yeah a long line of disappointment."

5. One morning a student walks in late with a green, paper mustache taped to his face. I acknowledge his nice mustache and the student kindly thanks me for noticing. Just because I had to see where this could lead I asked him if he grew it over night. He responded by informing me that it was just a fake one and pulled it off to confirm his point. I respectfully let him know that he had me fooled but also told him he would need to keep it off and store it in his backpack. His response "You're a silly goose. You thought this was real." Yes child I thought your green paper mustache was the real McCoy.

4. During a lesson on fire safety the counselor asked "If there is a fire, what number do you call?" The class shouted with gusto "9-1-1!" One kiddo quickly pointed out that that's for the number for the police. The counselor confirmed but also explained that it is actually the number you call for any emergency. Before he could complete his thought another kid proclaimed "Or if you see a peeping tom."

3. A prime example of the when the student becomes the teacher. Kid - "I'm done with breakfast." Me - (noticing the unopened milk about to be tossed) "Are you going to drink your milk?" Kid - "no." Me - "Can I have it?" Kid - "Well you can at least say please." Me - "you're right. May I please have your milk?" Kid - "That sounds better. Yes." 

2. One day I did a cartwheel for my kids as part of a reward system (it's amazing what these kids will do for some of the silliest things). When I finished, I made the comment that I was getting old and that was a lot easier when I was younger. This conversation occurred: Kid1 - "Ms. Darlington are you ok?" Me - "I'm fine thanks. Just getting old." Kid2 - "Are you going to die?" Me - "Not today." Kid2 - "Tomorrow?" Me - "I hope not." Kid2 - "the next day?" Me - "do you want me to die?" Kid2 - "no." Kid3 - "Ms. D is alive - Hooray!!!" Kid4 - "when was she not alive?" Kid3 - "you're alive right Ms. D?" Me - "yes, yes I am."

AND DRUM ROLL PLEASE ... BRRRRRBRRRRBBRRRRRBRRRRRRRR (it's the best I could do alright. If you require an Actual drum roll, <-- click there). By far the most awkward moment in the classroom ....

1. We were practicing counting by 2s. As a teacher, I understand that sometimes abstract ideas need to be made concrete. So I had the kids touch their ears, shoulders, hips, knees, and feet as they counted. We discussed that we all have 2 of each. Then a kids stands up, walks over, and points to my breasts and says "you have two of those" ... yes ... yes I do. Thanks for pointing out my womanly features you weirdo!